The Curse of the Eberbachs

by Heather Sparrows and Anne-Li

Part 25: More information? B-Day (1985) minus 8, noon

Klaus's head still reeled with the realisation that an entire world existed that NATO had no jurisdiction within. Magic ... He felt rather grateful, for once, to have to leave Dorian in charge of the car as they made their way back towards North Downs.

"That was amazing!" Dorian said. "Can you imagine? I bet there's a nice spell to make one invisible. One could walk straight into the Louvre, stay in a corner until closing time and then—"

"—the paintings would yell their throats out to warn the guards that you're stealing them."

"Not, I think, if I had a chance to talk a little bit to them first. It must be rather boring for them to just hang there all day. I bet I could convince them to see things my way."

Klaus snorted, though admitted, if only to himself, that if anyone could charm the work of Leonardo da Vinci, grand Mugwump of his time, it would be Dorian.

"Ah, the possibilities," Dorian said with a longing sigh.

"Those Aurors sounded quite competent," Klaus pointed out, not wanting Dorian to get too close to that Snape-figure in search for more tools for his trade. Though the man seemed decent enough for one of his sort, even if Klaus didn't like his mind-reading.

Dorian sighed. "Nothing is perfect. So. A family curse. What do you think, my dear?"

Klaus snorted. "I still think it's the Russians."

"Maybe. But that curse idea is worth investigating. Perhaps we can talk to your father about it?"

Klaus automatically shook his head. "My father never turned into a dog." Besides, I don't want you near him. Once that had been because ... well ... for a number of reasons, but now it was because he knew how much his father would dislike the Earl on sight and refuse to co-operate. His father had never been the tolerant kind, even less so than Klaus himself.

"As far as you know."

"Whatever. Don't you think he would have warned me? We might not be all that close, but he would have said something."

"I guess so. How about your other relatives then? The Professor said you should think about them. You never heard anything?"

Klaus rolled his eyes. "Of a relative of mine turning into a freaking dog? No." What do you think I am, an idiot? "I think I would have remembered. And I would have told you before this."

"Yes, you're right, I'm sorry, that was a stupid question." Dorian reached over and gave his shoulder a quick caress, apparently as an apology.

"My grand aunt Eva was terrified of Poodles, though," Klaus said, just remembering.

"Lots of people are afraid of dogs."

"She kept four Rottweilers to protect her from the Poodles."

"That ... is a bit odd, yes. You have many family portraits with dogs in them, too. Different types of dogs in all of them. No Poodles, though."

The Major thought back to the portraits and realised that Dorian was right. Sad that he remembers them better than I do. But he's the artsy one, not me.

"I still think we should ask your father," Dorian continued. "Perhaps he remembers something, if we ask him. If anyone knows anything about your family, it should be him, shouldn't it?"

"No! I don't want him to know about what has happened. And I'm not going to show myself to him like this."

"Klaus? He's your father. He would help you."

True. He really didn't think his father would let him be vivisected. Still. "Maybe. But to get a dog to Germany would be difficult. No matter. He isn't the one who knows most about my family. I have a great-uncle too. Great-uncle Heinz. I was named after him. He fancies himself a bit of an historian. He might know something."

"Where does he live?"

"Cologne. Near the cathedral."

"Very well. I will talk to him, then. I'll leave for Germany first thing tomorrow morning."

Part 26: The Kiss of True Love. B-Day (1985) minus 7, early afternoon

Dorian would be on the 13:25 plane from Bonn. Unless he got caught smuggling whatever shiny trinket undoubtedly had caught his fancy on the way, Klaus knew to expect him to North Downs around half past four. Still, there was the off chance that the fop would have managed to catch an earlier plane, so Klaus planted himself in one of the windows at half past two. He refused to budge even when James came and wanted to go rabbit hunting again.

His stake-out practice came in handy as he waited. The time crept forth so sluggishly that he began to wonder if something was wrong with the clock. Isn't dog time supposed to go quicker than human time anyway, not slower? To watch the trees and birds was only interesting as long as something moved. But to wait felt right. Dorian would come soon and he had so much to tell Dorian!

Finally - He's here! He's here! - the bright purple Lamborghini slid up the curved road. He's here! He's here! Klaus jumped from the deep window frame and rushed to the kitchen, easily tracing Bonham's scent in the air. Finding the wizard alone he jumped up with his front paws on the man's shoulders. "He's here! He's here!"

"What is it, Major?"

"Are you deaf? He's here! Let me out! He's here!"

"Oh, his Lordship arrived, did he? Want to be let out, do you?"

"Yes! Yes! Let me out!"

"Well, come on, then," Bonham said and unlocked and opened the door to the kitchen entrance. "Off with you."

Klaus was already on his way, running hard towards the garage. He had been there before, when he had "lost" James in the woods during their walk yesterday. Nasty place, full of icky smells. Silly, foreign cars in gaudy colours. And his tank! His big, strong tank! Going past it he sniffed to make sure that it was still properly marked, before making the last dash to the still humming Lamborghini.

There you are! he thought happily at the sight of Dorian smiling at him from within the vehicle. "Come out of there!" he shouted. "Come out!"

"Hello Darling," Dorian answered as he emerged.

Klaus leaped up and gave Dorian a quick lick over his cheek, jumped down to bow on his front legs and then pressed close, sniffing the man from crotch to neck to make sure everything was as it should be.

"Oh dear," Dorian said in a breathless giggle. "Happy to see me, are you, my love?"

He was, but he certainly wasn't going to mention it. "You were gone! For a long time!" he accused. Then he just had to tell Dorian what they had done; it just welled up and he couldn't contain it. "James took me walking. We saw a rabbit! I killed it! James tried to take it and I growled at him! And then we saw a deer! I chased it! But James couldn't –"

"Ah ... Darling?"

" —keep up and he yelled at me and then he fell into the river! I shared the rabbit with him. And then we played fetch-stick in the garden! One of your rosebushes got damaged. Then Bonham said we had to take a bath! I fell in the tub! Then I got shampoo—"

"Major?"

" —in my nose! It felt funny! Then Bonham used the garden hose on me to get the shampoo off!"

Just as he was about to tell how he hid James's calculator, his head was captured by Dorian's hands. The man stared into his eyes with a wild look in his own. "Major! Oh my God! Klaus? Are you in there?"

"Huh?" He tried to pull his head free, but Dorian wouldn't let go.

"Klaus?!"

"What is it? What are you yelling about?"

Dorian collapsed onto the concrete with a heartfelt, "Thank God!"

"What the fuck is it?"

"You were barking, dear," Dorian said, with his face still to the ground. "You barked the entire time from when the car stopped."

A fist of ice clenched Klaus's stomach. "Wh ... at?" he said in a breath.

Dorian sat up and stared at him. "I thought you were just happy to see me, but you kept barking and I could see you were trying to tell me something and ... Oh, my God ... I thought I would have a heart attack! Klaus, I'm sorry, do forgive me, but I must do this." Then Dorian grabbed Klaus's front and tipped him onto his lap, wrapping his arms around his body and burying his face against Klaus's neck. His entire body shivered. Klaus, with his heart racing, sank into the embrace, terrified as he realized that he must have been barking at Bonham too, without ever noticing.

"Progressing," he whispered into the mass of blond curls that threatened to cut off his air supply. At least he hoped he whispered the word and didn't whine it.

The arms around him tightened to the point of being uncomfortable. Then they eased a bit. "Don't worry, though," Dorian said and dropped a kiss on his neck. Suddenly he sounded intent. "I have an idea."

"What is it?" Klaus asked, trying to listen to the sounds if they were spoken or barked. He heard each individual sound, but when he had been barking before he hadn't heard anything wrong either. "Did Grand Uncle Heinz say anything?"

"Let's go inside, love, and I'll tell you all about it. This floor is horribly cold, I need a big cup of tea and ... yes, definitely a shower."

Klaus took another quick sniff. "You smell good. You smell like yourself."

"That's nice, love, but I feel sticky. Come on, up you go. Speaking of smells, heaven, what is that stink? It smells as if someone peed in here."

Klaus trotted off.


"—a little blue-grey donkey. It's from a children's tale, I don't remember its name."

Dorian opened the door to his bedroom. "Eeyore? From Winnie the Pooh?"

"Ja, something like that. But Bonham changed it for me. Magicked it. You have to see!" Klaus rounded Dorian and leaped through the room, took a quick sniff around, then dove under the bed. His strong yaws found the thick plastic and he bit down gleefully.

"Squeeeeeaaaak!"

He backed out, then jumped over to drop the toy at Dorian's feet. It tumbled in the wrong direction, so he pushed it back with his muzzle, then looked eagerly as Dorian squatted.

"Oh, my – it really does look like Mischa."

"Yes! Bonham said that if he had been a better wizard he could have made it sound like Mischa and even run around. That would have been fun."

"That it would have, my dear. Heh – when you're back to normal you can put it on your desk. Or take it with you on your missions. You'll run into him sooner or later. What wouldn't I give to see his face when he sees this little thing – bitemarks and all?"

Klaus panted a couple of fast breaths, amused by the idea. Then he sobered. "If I get back to normal. What did you find out?"

Dorian smiled tiredly at him. "Not much, but some tidbits. Please though, just five minutes to shower first?" Then he stood and threw the chew toy on the bed.

Klaus leaped after it – an animal instinct he had found impossible to control when he and James had played with the fetch sticks. With Mischa in mouth he circled the bed three times before finding a nice position to lay down in, facing the bathroom door through which Dorian had disappeared. He dropped the toy between his front legs, but after a moment bent to retrieve it again.

"Squeeeeeaaaak! Squeeeeeaaaak! Squeeeeeaaaak!"


Five minutes? Ha! The fop's been in there for half an hour now! At least!

Klaus had finally grown bored with his toy and had pushed it back under the bed. He was too wired up after Dorian's return to nap and didn't know what else to do. Then the running water finally – finally! – stopped.

A minute or two later, the door opened and Klaus lifted his head to see a towel-clad Dorian flash him a smile before heading over to the walk-in closet. The first time Dorian had walked like that in front of him, Klaus had growled and chewed him out for walking around naked. Dorian had just tsked at him and told him not to look if he didn't want to see. Klaus ... wanted to see. Some part of him – deep in the dog-part of his personality – was still happy to see Dorian safe and sound and home where he should be. Mostly, though, he just wanted to see, for it was a nice sight to behold, even if he wasn't ready to tell Dorian this. Pale flesh flushed to a warm pink from the warmth of the shower. Usually so bouncy curls slicked back, showing Dorian's ears and neckline. A well-muscled, able body – not soft at all. Perhaps not as strong as Klaus's usual one, but if the Earl had received some fight training they could very well have been near equals in a hand fight. Almost hairless legs, but the long arms had a healthy shimmer of pure gold.

Klaus turned on the bed to face the closet instead. He was surprised when Dorian emerged only moments later, wearing pistachio green bicycle shorts, white socks and a tight, black top with long sleeves. He came over to the bed and sat down. "There, my love. I feel so much better now."

Klaus harrumphed. On breathing in he scented a noseful of the heady soap Dorian had used. That was an interesting thing about Dorian. He always had a different smell after his ablutions. This one was earthy and grainy, balanced with a high, white tone of something intensely fresh and sweet.

"I have good news and I have bad news. Which do you want first?"

"The bad," he requested and mentally steeled himself.

"My hips are too narrow."

"Was?"

"My hips are too narrow. They might have to use a Caesarean."

"Was?!"

"A Caesarean. A cut through the belly to take out the baby? I don't have much in the boobs-department either. But that's what wet-nurses are for."

Klaus just blinked. Obviously, the situation had been too taxing for the Englishman – he had gone coo-coo.

"On the good side though," Dorian continued in a very serious tone. "I do have a nice arse and carry myself like a princess. A bit too tall, but you're tall as well, my love, so that's not a problem. We will make a lovely couple and your great-uncle is very, very happy that you are finally settling down. He gives us his blessing."

Ah. "You went to Great-Uncle Heinz dressed as a woman?"

"No. Your great-uncle needs better glasses. Klaus, my dear, your Great-Uncle Heinz is a lecherous old coot. He pinched my arse! And for a 90-year-old he has quite a grip on him. I have bruises! You owe me at least four pinches – and don't think I won't collect them. In front of your precious Alphabet too and you will stand still and smile as I do it, is this understood?" Dorian's teasing tone negated most of the threat, though.

Not particularly worried, Klaus rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Did he say anything interesting?"

"Not really. There are rumours about a curse, but nothing detailed. Several Eberbachs over the centuries have just disappeared, never to be seen again. The "Eberbach Love Curse" someone called it, but what it came from or how it works no one knows. Another rumour said something about one of your ancestors – possibly old Tyrian - selling his soul to the devil in exchange for his true love going to heaven rather than to hell after death, but again, that's just a rumour."

"Anything about dogs?"

Dorian shook his head. "Not exactly. One mo'." He got up and went back to the door, where he extracted two objects from his luggage. One was a green bottle of wine, which he placed on the table next to the bed. The second was a leather-bound book. "It's a diary from one of your ancestors," he said as he got back onto the bed. "Your grand uncle remembered something about a dog mentioned in it, but not more specifically what it was about, so I borrowed it. I tried to read it on the plane over here, but the calligraphy in German gives me a headache. I thought perhaps you could read it later?"

"Ja," Klaus agreed. "It looks very old. He's a miser with his books; like your James with his money. I'm surprised he let you borrow it, even if you are my 'intended'."

If he hadn't looked he might have missed the brief flicker in Dorian's eyes at this. However, he had been looking.

"You stole the book," he said, not even bothering to make it a question.

"More like borrowed it, really. It's not as if I'm going to keep it. Besides, it's for you and you're an Eberbach too, so it's really just as much your book as it is his, isn't it?" Dorian batted his eyes innocently at him.

Klaus snorted. Then he looked away. "Just give it back to him if ... if this doesn't work out. Dorian – there's another thing I've been meaning to talk to you about. Better do it now, while I ... still can communicate properly with you."

The Earl visibly shuddered. "Klaus! Don't speak of such things! Besides—"

"Let me finish! It's too late for me to rewrite my will. Since I'm 'missing' they won't trust a new will now. Besides, it will take a while before I'm officially declared dead."

"I don't want to hear—"

Klaus growled in frustration. This was important and he needed them to be clear on this, if he was to die soon. "Let me finish! What I'm trying to say is that I want you to have The Man In Purple. You might have to steal it, but—"

He was again cut off, this time by Dorian embracing him hard, digging his hands in under his body to enfold him. The other's strength made the embrace uncomfortable, but he didn't even squirm, just closed his eyes and took comfort from the warmth and devotion.


Dorian's heart ached. True, at this point the painting was mostly a symbol for his hunt for Klaus. Without his Major he would have forgotten about it or lost interest years ago. He just had to hug the dog for a long while, caressing its flanks and murmuring words of love to the erect ears.

Finally, his flood of emotions abated and he sat up again, wiping his tears away. The dog rolled its eyes at him, but since it hadn't moved to get away during his display, he didn't think Klaus had minded overly much.

"That's ... so sweet of you."

"There are other things we need to go over too. Funeral arrangements and the –"

"Hold on, love! As I said before, I have an idea."

The dog broke off and stared at him. "What?"

"Well, I was thinking and I got an idea. About what we could do to get you back to normal."

"Spill."

"Well ... All this about wizards and magic and curses, oh my – it's like a fairytale, almost, isn't it?"

"Whatever."

"No, no – it's not at all 'whatever'. I was thinking about it on the plane and suddenly it hit me – it's so obvious!" He felt so stupid for not having thought about it earlier, but now that he had, it felt right. "What do they use in fairytales to break curses?"

The dog blinked. "I don't fucking know."

"Oh, come on, Klaus – what usually happens in a fairytale?"

"The witch dies? As I said – I don't fucking know! I don't read bloody fairytales!"

"Didn't your mother read any to you?"

"If she did I was too young to remember."

"Oh, Klaus ..." Dorian, who had adored being read fairytales to when he was a child, reached out for another comforting embrace.

The dog growled. "Well, what's with these fucking fairytales you think have any bearing on this fucking mess?"

Dorian quickly collected himself. "Why, there is something mentioned in many fairytales dealing with enchanted princesses." The dog's eyes narrowed considerably, so he hastened to add, "And princes, of course!" He paused, waiting to be prompted on.

The dog stared at him.

"Something that breaks all curses and conquers all evil magic!" he continued, then paused again.

The dog kept staring, not even blinking.

Dorian surrendered, knowing that if Klaus didn't feel like asking, he simply wouldn't. "And that thing happens to be ... nothing less than ... " He held out his arms as if embracing the world. "... The Kiss Of True Love!" Then he brought both hands to his heart, clutching them together.

"The kiss?" said the dog.

Dorian nodded.

"Of ... true love?"

"No, no, no." He held out his arms again. "The Kiss Of True Love!" he repeated, stressing each upper-case letter properly. Then he clutched his hands to his chest again.

The dog huffed. "A kiss? From my 'true love'? That's stupid. Besides, you did it in the garage just now – nothing happened."

Dorian's heart expanded. He couldn't help but to wonder if Klaus realized how easily he had admitted – or at least implied - that Dorian really was his true love. As not to have the moment ruined by frantic backtracking by the repressed military man, he decided not to mention it. Afterwards, however ... "Those weren't for real. Oh, I kissed you, all right, but not like a real kiss. Those were just pecks, on your head and neck. They don't count." He decided not to press further, but to let Klaus think things over. If the other came to a negative conclusion about the whole thing there was nothing Dorian could do but to hold him down – not such a brilliant thing to do with an impressive-sized Doberman.

And Klaus did think it over, that was obvious from the way he pulled back his head and studied Dorian with a steady, measuring gaze. For a brief moment he showed his teeth, then said, "Suppose it can't hurt to try." The words were just as steady as the gaze, measured rather than measuring, but a certain glint in the dog's eyes with a little more white than usual revealed that Klaus wasn't as cool as he tried to project. "Smooch me, then."

"Smooch you!? Smooch you?! No, no, no! This has to be ... this has to be nice, Klaus! This has to be ... right. It has to be ... I can't just smooch you." And he had thought the whole "That painting alone is worth a leopard tank"-thing had been bad ...

"Do what you have to do, then."

Ha. Would serve you right if I did smooch you one ... But this was important. This would be, possibly, the most important kiss in Dorian's life – in both of their lives. It has to be done correctly. His entire body thrummed with what would happen. They would kiss and then Klaus would be back with him – Dorian just knew that he would be. This was right. The Kiss of True Love was the answer. The Kiss of True Love would break the curse. It must! One kiss – one, perfect kiss – and he would have Klaus's true body with him. In bed with him. Klaus's very naked true body. No – his True Love's very naked true body in bed with him. Oh yes ...

He took a moment to just look at the dog. It felt slightly odd that his beloved soon would belong to the same species as he again. Suddenly a thought struck him and he couldn't help but to giggle.

The dog pulled back again, strong muscles moving under the fur as if preparing to jump. "What's so fucking funny?" it growled.

"You use to call me a pervert – now, this will really be perverted."

The dog snorted, but relaxed a little.

Encouraged, Dorian went on to say what had really occurred to him," You know, this is one crime I've never committed before – and, thank heaven – I won't ever commit again."

That earned him another snort. "Well, go on with it then. Pervert." Though the last word was said with a mix of affectionate sarcasm. The dog raised its head some more, not quite leaning towards him, but at least lying in a little more accessible position.

"Yes, darling. Um ... Oh, dear."

"What is it now then?"

"Oh, well, it's just ... I never thought I would ever say this. Not to you, not in a million years. But, ah ..."

"Spit it out!"

"... and I especially never envisioned saying this for our first kiss, dearest, but ... and I really mean this, Klaus ... - no tongue."

The dog rolled its eyes.

Dorian went down on his knees, spreading his feet slightly to keep balance. He stroked Klaus's head, down over the silky smooth neck and shoulders. Couldn't resist to go back up and scratch behind an ear, just one final time. Of course he wanted Klaus back as himself – there was hardly anything else he wanted in the whole wide world – but the dog was Klaus too, and he was certain this was the last time he would ever touch it. He felt absurdly glad for all the pictures Jonesy had taken. The big animal lay still, tolerating his fiddling. Dorian mentally chastened himself to get on with things. He took the long head between his hands ...

"No!" Klaus said and pulled back.

Dorian wanted to hit something in frustration. No, no, no! Not now! Don't go all virgin Major on me now, dammit! Out loud he just said, keeping the tone light, "What is it, dear?"

"I ... have to ... tell you first ... I ... I lied to you."

Dorian blinked. Whatever protest of lingering heterosexuality he had expected, an admission of lies had not even been on the list of possibilities. "About what, my love?" he replied, careful to keep the light, even tone.

While the words were said firmly, they were also spoken in a lower tone of voice than Klaus would normally ever use unless he risked being overheard by whatever foreign spy organisation they tried to evade for the moment. "I did miss you. When you were gone."

Dorian breathed in a quiet, "Oh."

"And I ... The dog's jaws worked, as if it took considerably effort to speak. "About that ... true love-shit? I ... I don't—"

No! Dorian screamed inwardly. Don't say it! Don't say it!

"—know much about such things. It ..."

Oh, thank God!

"—isn't something that comes easily to me." The dog shifted its weight from paw to paw and moved its head in an agitated manner. "I don't know if ... if ... I can't ... I don't ... Oh, for fucking hell's sake! Dorian, I ... About those dreams I had? I ... They were ... I ... I think I might actually ... No, damn it! I know that I do ... That I ... That I do ..."

Out of the blue, Dorian understood what his reticent Major was trying to say, without quite having the words. With his heart expanded so far that it must surely explode and feeling as if he had inhaled some sort of light gas, he reached out and placed his index finger reverently on the Doberman's cold nose. "Hush, my own. I know. I understand. I ... Oh Klaus!" He realised that he was smiling so hard he must look like a loon, but to hell with that.

He took the dog's narrow head in his hands again and looked deep into those intense, dark eyes; feeling as if he had a direct connection to his beloved's soul through them. And when the moment felt completely, utterly, impossibly right, he bent closer.


Klaus saw Eroica bend towards him. His first impulse was to lean closer; his second to pull away. He compromised by keeping absolutely still. Then lips touched his – or the frontmost part of his, anyway. Soft, firm lips which brought with them a world of tastes uniquely Dorian. Klaus tasted them and nearly moaned with the sensation. There was spicy heat and red bitterness, underlined with something both sweet and grainy; things he had no words for.

He longed to taste more. Only Dorian's joking comment about "no tongue" kept him from licking the source. He pushed closer though, bringing their lips together with more force. Then a strange falling feeling in his groin startled him and he ducked his head. Dorian nearly fell on top of him, but caught himself and sat back.

Realizing what had happened; how his dog body had reacted to his human mind's arousal, would have made Klaus blush had he been able to and he was immensely grateful for his prone position.

Fuck! If I transform back now I'll be naked and hard in bed with him. Which ... won't be so bad, perhaps? And ... I do feel something! Something's happening! It's working! He opened his mouth to tell Dorian about the strange tickling feeling – almost like electricity – in his nose.


Dorian stared at the dog, waiting with his breath held. Klaus had gotten involved in the kiss, that had been obvious. Then he had hastily pulled away – had he felt something? The dog looked up at him, then down at its own nose – Dorian would never say so, but it looked silly. Its mouth opened. And then ...

... the dog sneezed trice in rapid succession.


They waited for a bit longer, in frozen tableau, but still, inevitably nothing happened. The Major didn't change in any way – and soon it became inescapably clear that he wouldn't. Klaus bent his neck. Stupid limey. He really had me convinced there for a moment. I'm too gullible.

He didn't look up when the weight on the bed shifted as Dorian climbed off. He did look up at the crash of broken glass. Dorian stood in front of the fireplace. Green glass shards covered the floor. The fireplace was splashed by a still running puddle of red. As he watched, Dorian spun around, grabbed a vase with roses and hurled it at the stained glass window. Both broke. Shards rained over the bed. Klaus didn't bother to move, just closed his eyes and grunted as something sharp tore into his side. When he looked up again, Dorian was on his knees on the floor with his face buried in his hands, sobbing. Part of Klaus wanted to join him.

I really am gullible, he thought. I actually believed that stupid drivel. Fucking fairytales!

end part 26.


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