Not long enough to be stories, not short enough to be five word fan fics, just a couple of cute lines.
From Eroica With Love
"So, Klaus, Father has found this nice, British gentleman for you, who is willing to put up with your little ... hobbies, and who will keep you in the style you've been accustomed to, Father is sure you will come to respect and love him, in due time, the wedding's on Friday."
"What do I have to do to get a kiss from you?"
Iron Klaus's Rules For Dating His Daughter
2). And Don't Tell Her I Told You So
3) People Who Breaks These Rules Are Shot On Sight (Or Hunted Down And Shot, If I Don't See Them Quickly Enough)
4) My Baby Girl Tells Me Everything, So Don't Try To Hide A Relationship From Me Either Or I'll Shoot You Twice
What do you do with a drunken Klaus, early in the morning ...
... take off his belt and leave him to Dorian.
... kidnap his butler, demanding a peep show.
... watch him naked and get shot when he wakes up.
... take off his clothes and sell them on ebay. (this would be James)
... take off his socks and paint all his toe nails.
... take candid pictures and run for your life.
... hide all his cigarettes and switch him to decaf.
(This snippet is a companion to my The Right Kind of Red)
"King of all animals? Ha! I wasn't aware of that this was a monarchy and if you give me any lip I'll jump down at you from a tree and I'll bit your nose and I'll bite your stupid tail too!"
first part by Heather Sparrows
Major Klaus von dem Eberbach (pulls safety catch off Magnum after shaking computer guy a bit): "This thing will work perfectly in an hour, or ..."
Dorian: "Darling, don't frighten the poor boy! Look how he looks!"
Major (unperturbed): "... or I will let that pervert next to me paw you to his heart's delight!"
addition by me
Major : "But liebling, the computer held those ... cough, special videos, cough, we made, together ... And those were the only copies ..."
Dorian: "Kill him."
Dorian studied the shivering body. Oh yes ... It had taken him six years to get to this stage, where he no longer cared one way or the other about what Klaus really thought about matters, as long as Dorian's own satisfaction was, well ... satisfied.
"I could have loved you," he said softly. "I did - I did love you. But man does not live on love alone."
"You ... you're no ... no ..." The slow words came from the man huddling at his feet.
"Well, well, Major ... Not completely broken after all? Good. I wouldn't want to tire of you too soon."
I was feeling angry, so wrote it. If things don't get better, I might write a long fic about it instead. This is actually drabble-sized
"But darling - it's a fact -I must submit to you, that's just how things are. You're older and taller than me, so do be a dear and top me now."
(This snippet is a deleted scene from my story Courting Dorian, in the zine Iron and Silk. My beta decided it was too OOC and in the wrong POV for the story besides. It is posted with the permission of the zine producer)
Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach had gone completely and utterly out of his mind. Earl Dorian Red Gloria did not complain in the least, however. Though he suspected that he would at any moment now have to fight for Klaus's virtue. He was, in a vague sort of way, aware of them being on a mission. If he made an effort he could even remember sitting on the Chief's desk, twirling a lock of hair while watching his beloved rant about some thing or other. The mission was, in all likelihood, a very important mission. World Peace might depend on it. Whatever it was about had gone straight out of Dorian's mind, possibly through his mouth when it fell wide open at the sight of Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach's "disguise".
Not that it disguised much.
"We will go undercover as American tourists," Klaus had decided.
That had sounded innocent enough. Only Klaus's idea of how an American tourist looks like currently had them followed by a group of at least a dozen panting civilians, both male and female. G had whimpered at the very sight and could even now be heard chanting under his breath, "Alaska. Alaska. Alaska. Alaska." After the first stop at one of the plaza's fountains, where Klaus leaned down to drink, Dorian felt fairly sure that they would soon have a riot on their hands and Z had gotten the distinctly pale, horrified expression of a man who for the first time in his life doubted his sexual orientation.
Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach wore jogging shoes, socks, a big camera, a belt bag containing his Magnum and his cigarettes, a much too short Hawaiian shirt in a flowery pattern and jeans shorts that ended just barely below his buttocks. Dorian hadn't known that Klaus had so much ... skin! And to see those lovely, lovely legs that just went on and on forever and ever and ended in paradise! The shorts ... clung! For every step the Major took those delightful mounds of muscles shifted up and down, up and down.
Dorian walked a couple of steps behind Klaus, B and H. Now and then he forced himself to glare at the other pursuers. So far he had managed to keep them at bay. He all but groaned when he, a bit further up the plaza, spotted another drinking fountain. He had an uncanny feeling that this would end in him being arrested for attempted rape. Sadly the "attempt" part wouldn't be because Klaus would beat him unconscious if he tried anything, but rather because he suspected that one touch at that oh so tempting rump and he would come in his pants like a school boy.
Dorian tore his eyes away from where they had been glued for the last block. He might not be a religious man, but he looked towards the sky and quietly mouthed a heart-felt, "God bless America!"
"Why are you still insisting we use condoms?"
"It's just easier to get it to the shower this way, darling."
(on the subject of why Dorian's hair is so curly)
"Herr Uber-General - either you do as I tell you to or you have yourself transferred to Alaska!"
"Eeek! But Major ... NATO really can't keep declaring war against Interpol just to have a prisoner extracted!"
"Why not? It fucking worked the last four times they caught him, didn't it?"
"Waaauuugh! Get off me! I lied! It really was for a mission! Waaauuugh! Someone - get him off me!"
"Ah ... Darling? It's not that I don't like seeing you - you know I always adore seeing you. And I know I promised to always be at your disposal to unlock any lock you might need unlocking. But ... considering the time it takes for me to fly from North Downs to Bonn ... wouldn't it be simpler just to give Z a set of spare keys to your apartment?"
"I let you take the belt, because I wanted you to know I was ready for you to touch me below it ..."
"Gloria has the ball! He's running towards the German goal. It's just him and the goal keeper! He can't miss! Em ... Wait. He's stopping. What's happened? There seem to be a commosion in the audience ... A tall man with long, black hair just removed his shirt? Are we having a streaker, ladies and gentlemen? No, apparently not, he just turned away and are walking up towards the exit. He has slung a belt over his shoulder. But ... what is Gloria doing? He has abandoned the ball and is running towards the long-haired man? I have absolutely no idea what's going on ... "
"If you don't stop chasing me right this minute, you perverted magpie, I'll tell your men you're actually a brunette!"
"Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil:
for Iron Klaus art with me; and he's carrying his Magnum."
"I don't understand a word you say when you yell at me, Darling, but you have such a lovely voice that I could listen to you all day."
"Earl Gloria ... I have been trained to withstand torture. Granted, it has been scientificially proven that any man can be broken within four days. Still - bearing this in mind, you wish to ... spank my bare bottom until I cry?"
"Um ... Yes!"
*deep sigh* "Wake me up when your hand starts to hurt."
"You got your fingerprints on record again, you stupid, irresponsible fop! Do you have any idea how bloody difficult it is for me to erased them? Idiot!"
"I get hard when I see your sharpened teeth. Every time ..."
"I didn't faint every time I saw you! I had a spontaneous ejaculation and fell asleep."
"Constable Crane? Ah ... That killer you almost apprehended yesterday, who knocked you unconscous and got away? Ah ... He's hanging from the lamp post outside, tied up like a turkey. He's wet himself and he looks like he's seen a ghost or something ..."
When Jim Ellison, Detective of the Cascade PD, discovered that his partner, one Blair Sandburg, Antropology student of the Rainier University of Cascade, had been kidnapped from their shared apartment on 852 Prospect, he didn't panic. Panicking when something bad happened wasn't his style, it never helped and, besides, as these things go, he was getting more and more used to them. That did not, in any way, mean that he was less worried for his friend cum lover. Of course not. It was just that Sandburg tended to get kidnapped more often than your average American Housewife had her friends over for coffee. In fact, one of the first thoughts that flashed through Jim's mind was, "But it's poker night tonight!" Then he sharply chastisiced himself for the unkind thought.
Top 10 seductive lines from various slash characters
1. "" - Lex Luthor, breathing
2. "Hi!" - Blair Sandburg, smiling
3. "Yes." - Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach, not making active resistence
4. "Do you want tjo join the real mile high club?" Clark Kent
5. "I'm the most sensitive man in the world." - Jim Ellison
6. "I'm Methos, you lie to serve me." - Methos
7. "And it will never, ever end ..." - Lucifer Morningstar
8. "Do it to me." -Krycek
9. "My name is Lionel Luthor." - Lionel Luthor
10."If you bleed green I'm outta here." -Fox Mulder
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