Anne-Li and Heather's Wonderful Adventures : Slash Klaus and Smarm Dorian

by Anne-Li

Author's disclaimer and notes: A long while ago I was telling Heather Sparrows about smarm and then decided to show her, instead. She found it amusing, so I decided to put it up. It's not strictly smarm though ...

Warnings: Total spoof. Worse: SMARM! And NOT BETAED! On, and self-insertion and completely OOC (it's Smarm Dorian!) and other sins.

Right, Heather, come here! Hop up in my Sofa of Adventure (hereafter known as the SoA) and I'll take you to the Adventure of Slash Klaus and Smarm Dorian! May it be the only such story you ever encounter. Come on, don't be shy. The SoA easily seats three people, so we have plenty of room! Here, we'll put the candy between us. Buckle up, we're getting ready for take off!

The SoA starts trembling and suddenly sprouts a very tiny stearing wheel - so tiny that Anne-Li can only use two fingers on each hand to hold it. All right! Up, up and away we go! The SoA slowly raises in the air and starts moving forward - at first at a snail pace, then faster and faster. What was that, Heather? The wall? I'm not sure what you are-- SPLAH! Just before the SoA hits the wall in full force, a flash blinds both passengers and when the intense light evaporates, we're hovering outside Schloss Eberbach.

Oh, and before we continues I just want to say that no, going around in a SoA is not part of standard smarm story behaviour. We're just doing it because I recently saw Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and I feel like being surreal. Right. On with the story!

Can you see them, Heather? Can you see them? Oh! Yes! There they are. Down we go. Eh ... Oops? Sorry, wrong way. Here we go. Right. Remember now - they can neither hear or see us, right? Heeeh! Perfect!

We have zoomed down to the entrance to the Schloss. Before us are Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach and Lord Dorian Red Gloria, Earl of Gloria. They look deeply into one another's eyes. Obviously, we've come to a very good part of the story.

"We're soulmates, Major. I tell you - you're the other half of myself. I can't live without you any longer."

The Major hesitates, then pulls himself up. "Dorian, I-- I-- Yes. I find that I can think of nothing but you. I love you, Dorian, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." The words are obviously difficult for him to say, but he makes it through the speech beautifully.

Then both men jump apart, looking around wildly.

"What was that, Major?"

"I don't know. It sounded just like two women - one of them with a vaguely Scandinavian accent - who simultaneously went 'Awwwww'. How peculiar. There doesn't seem to be anyone about."

Ooops, Heather. I suppose we have to keep it down a little bit anyway ... Sorry about that. Oh no! They're leaving. They're getting into the castle. Hang on, I'll get us inside!

The SoA soars through the air as Anne-Li tugs on the tiny stearing wheel, gliding in a slow arch that takes them up to the second level of the castle, where it heads straight to one of the identical looking windows.

Why, yes, I know exactly where Klaus' bedroom is. I might have gone here once or twice before. Or something like that. Cough cough. What was that, Heather? What's this wall you keep screaming abou-- SPLAH! Just before the SoA hits the wall in full force, a flash blinds both passengers and when the intense light evaporates, we're hovering inside Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach's bedroom.

All right! A bit sparse, isn't it? Never mind, though, the bed's what's important, right? Eh? Eh? Oh, listen, that gotta be them coming now.

The two men enters the room, going more or less sideways as they seem rather busy with a long, intense kiss. Tongues are obviously involved.

Hmm ... You're right, Heather, we should have followed them inside instead. Oh well, sorry about that. Though they can't have been kissing for long, can they? I mean, they must come up for breath soon, right? Mmmm, I just love the way Klaus' hands are inbedded in Dorian's curls, he looks to hold on for dear life, doesn't he? And the way Dorian caresses Klaus' shoulders - mmmm, very nice.

Finally, the two men break apart, breathing somewhat fast. Klaus looks a bit shell shocked. Dorian licks his lips. "Thank you, my love, for allowing me to taste your tongue," he says and smiles lovingly.

"Ah ... You're welcome, Dorian. And ... thank you. You taste ... like nothing else on this world. I can't believe I waited this long to do this with you."

Dorian's smile grows even brighter. "That's so sweet of you to say. But, Major? Now I really, really want to see you naked. May I please have the honour of undressing you?"

Klaus hesitates, then nods and stands still as Dorian reverently unbuttons and unzips his clothes, pulling them off one by one, caressing the underlaying skin until the Major is revealed in his entirety.

You okay, Heather? You look a little ... wideeyed? Okay, okay, sorry, I was just a bit concerned.

"My turn," Klaus says with determination and proceeds to strip Dorian too, mimiking Dorian's feathery caresses of the newly bared bodyparts.

"It feels so good to be able to stand naked before you, Klaus," says Dorian.

Klaus, looking very pleased, leans in and they share another kiss, a somewhat shorter one this time. Dorian breaks it. "That's very nice, my love. But all that running around earlier made me sweaty and smelly. Wouldn't it feel good if we took a shower together?" Then he jerks his head sideways, staring around the room, looking very puzzled. "Hm. I could have sworn I heard something."

Sorry about slapping a hand over your mouth, Heather, but you can't whoop so loudly! It seems like they can hear us after all. So we must keep it down. But oh - did you see the look on Klaus face when Dorian said "shower together"? And they do look so gorgeous together ... Oh no! They closed the door to the bathroom! F*ck! Heather! Heather, what are you doing?! Heather, no! You can't get off the SoA! What, Heather? No, I can't just SPLAH! us into the bathroom! Well, it's too small for the SoA, for one, we won't fit in there. No, no, no, calm down, Heather, calm down! I'll think of something. Hmm ... Yes, I got it! Here we go!

The SoA glides up to the bathroom door.

Try the door handle, Heather. But carefully! You know, as if it just slipped open. Doors do that, sometimes, when they're not closed properly. Oh yes! It worked! Heh - the Major must be really busy if he missed that, if you know what I mean, eh? Nudge, nudge, wink wink, know what I mean, know wha-- Calm down Heather! I can't see anything either. Well, yes, theoretically as long as you have at least some part of your body on the SoA you're still on the SoA, but ... Wait, Heather! Oh well ... At least move aside so that I can watch too.

Inside the shower stall, Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach and Lord Dorian Red Gloria, Earl of Gloria, are slowly soaping in each others bodies. The Major still looks somewhat shell shocked and his hands stays firmly on the Earl's upper body and if we're to speculate, perhaps the Earl doesn't want to spook the frightened virgin, for his hands stays pretty much on the Major's upper body as well. Whatever the reason, it certainly doesn't stop him from waxing poetry about the Major's handsome physique, which apparently Dorian longs to learn every inch of.

Yes, Heather, since the pop corns all dropped out when you tried to leave, you're perfectly welcome to use the bowl to drool in. No, no, don't worry about it - popcorns make me sick anyway. Oh, here they come now.

Two bodies throw themselves back in the SoA, which backs away from the bathroom door just in time to let out the entwined couple.

Dorian caresses Klaus's cheek. "Major? I think it is time to glom now. Let's go to bed."

"Glom? I don't think I've ever heard that term for it. And, ah ... I-I've never ... glommed before. With a man, anyway."

"Don't worry about it, Major. I'll teach you all about glomming. And I'll be very gentle."

What's that, Heather? Band-aid? Why did you bite yourself in the hand hard enough to bleed, Heather? Oh, never mind. Of course - all SoAs are equipped with stuff like that, in case of emergency. Here you go. Hush now - it's getting interesting.

Klaus had lain down on his back, pushing the sheets down to the end of the bed as he did. Dorian laid down on his side beside him, watching the other's body with obvious appreciation. Then he turns to look up at Klaus with an adoring smile and says, "Thank you for the trust you show me by allowing me to see your naked body."

"Ah ... You're welcome. You'd ... ah ... be welcome to touch it as well, Dorian."

"Thank you."

Dorian's long, agile fingers begin to lightly stroke over the Major's body, starting at his neck and slowly working their way downwards.

No, Heather! Stay on the SoA! God, you're worse than Blair. You know there are words for women who try to write themselves into stories about the boys, right? They're not nice words. You wouldn't want anyone to go around telling your dear SO that you're nothing but a ... Mary Sue, now would you?! Yes, the sad truth is that if you step off the SoA, you will turn into a Mary Sue! What? No, we can't go any closer. We're already pressed up against the bed as it is! What? Well ... Yeah, I suppose we could sort of ... levitate above the bed to get closer. Hang on, then. Oops! Eh ... There. Right. Better now?

Klaus's body almost at once reacts to Dorian's skilled touch; his cock stiffening and blushing. Dorian, who keeps his eyes mostly on Klaus face, strangely enough does not seem to notice. His hand dance over the other's stomach, tracing each of the well-defined muscle bundles with care. When he obviously unexpectedly come into contact with Klaus's member he stops completely, glances down, pats the cock once, then continues to explore the Major's slender hips.

What was that, Heather? Cocktease? Yeah, you could say that.

Klaus bucks up once, obviously trying to get Dorian to return to the visibly most interested part of his body. When this fails, he gives a sort of quiet growl, catches Dorian's hand and uses it to gently guide Dorian to lay down. "My turn," he says. Dorian just smiles. The light makes his eyes look strangely limpid.

Klaus's strong hands skims over Dorian's body with far more pressure than Dorian used, as he feels up the thief's muscles with clear admiration. Dorian watches him happily. Klaus also starts at the top, but his brisk technique takes him south much quicker than Dorian's playfulness. Perhaps it didn't quite work as well, though, for once he reaches the stomach area, Dorian's cock still lay peacefully flaccid on his thigh. Klaus glances up at the Earl's face, then down at the cock again. Then he visibly takes a deep breath and reaches out to take the member in a firm grip. He gives it a quick stroke, then another one. And another. And another. And another. It doesn't firm up. Instead--

Ah, yes, Heather, it is around here it is getting a bit weird. Smarmier.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Dorian sits up, tugging Klaus hand away, slapping him briskly in the face and backscaddling until his back is to the wall.

"Ah ... Pleasing you?"

"You were jacking me off!"

"Ah ... Yes?"

"Y-you-you were jacking me off!"

"I ... am sorry if it wasn't very good?"

"You're ... gay!?"

"Well, I've never-- But I-- Yes?"

"You're a fairy?!"


Dorian leaps from the bed, diving towards the pile of his clothes, ranting all the while, "I can't believe this! I can't believe this! Finally I find the man of my dreams, the one that completes my soul, and he's a homosexual! I can't believe this ... And you! Why didn't you tell me?!"

This time he doesn't even get an answer, as Klaus just stares at him as if unable to credit what he saw and heard. With one last, disgusted wail of "I don't believe this!" Dorian run out of the room as if chased by the Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Oh, Heather, do you see the look on Klaus face? Priceless, isn't it? He looks as if he doesn't know if he's going to start crying, screaming or having a nervous breakdown. Eh ... or I could just hold up a mirror and let you see your own face. You look pretty much the same, really ...

What was that, Heather? Kill me? But you wanted me to show you smarm, Heather? And there you have it. A strange - very strange - subgenre, not of slash, but of gen. In which the guys love each other - really, really love each other, very, very much. They do that tongue-tasting thing, to learn more about the other. Sometimes they do it ... a lot. They hug. They caress. Yes, they do go into the shower to help each other soap in their naked bodies. They glomm. And yes, that's the actual word for it: they lay in bed together, touching each other's naked bodies (I'm not quite sure of the spelling, if it is glom or glomm, but it's definitely glomming). But they're not gay! Oh no, no, no, heaven forbid. Their love for each other is pure, Heather. Platonic, if you wish. They're not like ... homosexuals, because that would be like, ewww, yucky or something ... No, no, they're just soulmates, doing everything for one another, wanting to be close to one another, loving one another - but not sexually, Heather. Shame on you for having such dirty thoughts! Well, yes, they do touch each other's genitalia, but that's only a way to prove how much they trust one another. Again - their love for one another is pure. What do you mean, I sound like if I've joined a cult? It's smarm, I tell you, smarm!

Dorian was acting out of character? He loves Klaus? Yes, Heather, obviously he does. But you must realise that Dorian's love for Klaus is pure. He isn't-- Heather, be careful with that! Heather, that's sharp! Heather, what are you doing?! Aaaraararaghghhg ...

The End of Anne-Li and Heather's Wonderful Adventure of Slash Klaus and Smarm Dorian.

What can I say ...? Smarm is strange. And mostly found in The Sentinel, or so I understand. But it is an actual thing - people do write stories like this. Well, not exactly like this, obviously. Mostly both of the boys are smarmy. I often wonder what genners in general think of them. Slashers often found them a strange version of pre-slash - or simply laughably funny in a "Oh my god, what are they doing?" kind of way. But they are sort of homophobic, I think. I mean, if you have the boys all soaped up and touching each other's naked bodies/cocks, I mean ... come on!

I just read through what I wrote above. I feel slightly nauseated. Which brings us to:

Anne-Li and Heather's Wonderful Adventures : Slash Klaus and Smarm Dorian - part II:

Aaaraararaghghhg ... What do you mean you won't write to me any more if it ends like that? But I don't-- I can't--

Thud! Thud, thud, thud!

The still flabbergast Klaus slowly lifts his head. He moves without any of his usual grace and power, as if something inside of him has broken.

Thud! Thud! Thud!

The sounds seem to come from ... the closet? Walking like an old man, Klaus seem to take forever to get there.


Klaus turns the key and press down the handle. The door opens as if on its own accord and out falls ... Lord Dorian Red Gloria, Earl of Gloria? His hands are tied behind his back and someone has tied a thick bundle of cloth over his mouth. "Mmmm, mmm, mmmmm!!" he mmms.

The Major stares at the dishevelled man at his feet. Then he slowly - oh so slowly - reachs down and removes the cloth. Dorian pulls a sharp breath. "You're naked! And still my beating heart, you look gorgeous! I never though I'd see you naked, Klaus!"

"Dorian?" Klaus asks hesitantly.

"Yes, you incredible hunk of male flesh, you stud, you?"

"I-is that really you, Dorian?"

"Of course it's me, silly. Mmm ... I really love all those muscles of yours. Kiss me? Or get a bit closer so I can kiss you, anyway."

"What ... were you doing in my closet?"

"Some men, I've never seen them before. They took a bloodsample, muttered something about making a clone or something - have you ever heard anything so ridicilous? Then they tied me up and shoved me into your closet. You don't think I'd go into the closet again voluntarily, do you? Well, for the right enducement I might be persuaded ... How about taking off these handcuffs, love? Unless handcuffs turn you on, because, if that's the case, feel free to let them stay on."

"Eh ... If I take off your hand cuffs, you won't try to ... take me to bed and glom me, will you?"

"Klaus, my beloved, I don't know what this 'glomming' is that you refer to, but I promise you that if you take off my handcuffs, the only thing I'll be doing in bed with you is to fuck you so long, hard and well that you forget your name, your rank, your nationality and that you ever worked for NATO."

Gradually a huge, silly grin spread on Klaus face. "Oh yes, Dorian, please!"

Enjoy, Heather. Enjoy.

The End

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